我進了北京第二外國語學院學日語。

在大學我仍是優秀生，可是半年後我再也無法忍受乖乖坐在課堂上，因為我不知道我為了什麼在學習。

父親寫信來要我努力學習，為父母爭光。我將信一把扔進垃圾桶。

我感到非常迷惑和抑鬱：難道人生就是「拚命學習」、「名成利就」、「陞官發財」、然後變成灰？為什麼我拚命學習了這麼多年、可心靈從未感受過真正的安寧和幸福？

我開始大規模曠課，即使學校威脅要開除我也阻擋不了我。

我從早到晚流連在書店、圖書館裡看書淘書，飢渴的閱讀哲學、心理學、精神分析、文學、傳記、科學等方面的書籍，渴望找到人生的真諦，找到心靈的家園。

在極度的迷茫和抑鬱中，我曾給我的哲學老師寫過兩封長信，祈求引領。我親自將兩封信交到老師手裡。

可是老師沒給我寫一個字或說一句話，好象他從未收過我的信。

那天傍晚上完哲學課，我在學校食堂買了二兩餃子，在校園裡找了張隱蔽的小石凳坐下，一邊麻木的把餃子一個一個往嘴裡送，一邊望著天空淚流滿面。

（待續）

(英文對照)

I entered Beijing International Studies University to study Japanese.

I continued to be a good student at college, but half a year later I no longer could stand sitting obediently in the school room, because I didn’t know what I was studying for.

My father wrote me letters, requiring me to study hard and win honor for parents. I threw his letters in the garbage.

I felt extremely perplexed and depressed: Was life only for “study hard”, “attain wealth, fame, rank, and power”, and then “turn into ashes”? Why did my heart never taste peace or happiness while I had studied so hard for so many years?

I started cutting lots of classes; even the school’s threat of expelling me couldn’t stop me. Morning, noon and night, I read books and looked for books in bookstores and libraries, hungrily reading books on philosophy, psychology, psychiatry, literature, biography, science…yearning to find the true meaning of life, to find the home of my soul.

Amidst severe depression and puzzlement I wrote my philosophy teacher two long letters, pleading for guidance. I handed the letters to the teacher.

Yet the teacher never wrote or said a word to me, as if he had never received the letters.

At the dusk when I just finished my philosophy class, I bought some dumplings from the college canteen, took seat on a covert bench on campus, numbly put the dumplings into my mouth one by one while gazing into heaven, big drops of tears rolling down my cheeks endlessly.
(//www.dajiyuan.com)