姐姐和我從小就愛琢磨人生奧秘：我們從哪裡來？死後去哪裡？……
我四、五歲時有天晚上坐在小木盆裡洗澡，洗著洗著就琢磨起來……想到不知自己從哪裡來、死後去哪裡，我感到非常害怕，坐在小木盆裡就哭了起來。
上中學時地理老師在課堂上大聲念課文「宇宙無限大—」，我迷惑的問：「無限大是多大？」老師冷冰冰的又念一遍：「宇宙無限大。」我睜大眼睛迷惑的問老師：「一個東西怎麼可能無限大？它總得有個邊啊？」全班同學都不說話，等著老師回答。可是老師看都沒看我一眼，繼續冷冰冰的大聲讀課文。
在生物課上我問老師：「人死後去哪裡？」老師答：「變成灰。」我迷惑不已：既然最後都變成灰，為什麼人還為名利苦苦爭鬥？我一直在心裡琢磨這個問題，但從不敢問老師或任何人。
我讀小學時，中國大陸的國門仍未打開，那時中共宣揚鬥爭哲學：「與天鬥、與地鬥、與人鬥。」學校要我們每個學生都做一個木矛，叫「紅纓槍」，時常要我們在舞臺上揮舞著它大喊「殺！殺！殺！」活象一群小魔鬼。
我上初中時，中國大陸國門剛打開，這時中共開始宣揚對名利與權勢的追逐，多年在中共統治下窮怕了的大陸民眾很快陷入了對物質利益的追求。在家庭裡，我的父母不停的教訓我們姐妹：將來要考大學、幹一番事業、有出息、為父母爭光。在學校裡，對分數、成績排名、考上名牌大學的重視扼殺了對真理的追求、人性的關懷、與學生心靈健康的重視，每天上學對我來說就象惡夢，我的心在課堂上感到極其迷茫和壓抑。
我從小學到高中一直成績優秀，十七歲高考時我的分數足以上清華北大。父母喜上眉梢，旁邊人羨慕不已，我卻滿腹茫然。
（待續）
(英文對照)
My sister and I had liked pondering over the mysteries of life since we were little: Where did we come from? Where would we go upon death? …
One night when I was four years old, while bathing inside a tiny wooden basin, I was lost in thought…thinking that I didn’t know where I came from and where I would go upon death, I felt so frightened I burst into tears sitting in the tiny wooden basin.
While I was in middle school, my geography teacher once read out the textbook in class, “The universe is boundlessly immense –” I questioned, “How immense is ‘boundlessly immense’, sir?” Teacher repeated icily, “The universe is boundlessly immense.” Wide-eyed, I asked in great puzzlement, “But how could an object be boundlessly immense, sir? It has to have bounds somehow, hasn’t it?” The entire class was quiet, anticipating an answer. But Teacher didn’t even look at me and continued chanting the textbook loudly and icily.
I once asked my biology teacher, “Where do people go upon death?” “Turn into ashes,” she replied. I felt extremely perplexed: Since we would all turn into ashes, why did people still vie and compete so hard for money, rank, and power? I kept reflecting on this question, but never dared ask any teacher or anyone.
While I was at elementary school, the gate of mainland China had not yet been opened; at that time, the CCP promoted the philosophy of fighting – “fight with heaven, fight with earth, fight with people.” At school, every pupil was forced to make a wooden spear (so-called Red Spear) and often wave it on stage, shouting loudly “Kill! Kill! Kill!” like young devils.
While I was at middle school, the gate of mainland China had just been opened; at that time, the CCP started promoting the pursuit of money, rank and power. The long poverty-stricken nation under its rule thus was swiftly plunged into going after material interests. At home, my parents kept lecturing my sister and me: You must go to college, have a successful profession and acquire wealth and rank in future, thereby bringing credit to your parents. At school, the pursuit of marks and going to well-known colleges had completely strangled the pursuit of truth, humanity, and the concern for students’ spiritual wellbeing. Attending school was like a nightmare for me. My heart felt extremely depressed and perplexed at school.
I got good marks from elementary school through to high school. At seventeen, I was admitted to one of the most well-known universities of mainland China. My parents were overjoyed; people around me were envious; but my heart was only imbued with puzzlement.
(//www.dajiyuan.com)
