姐姐和我从小就爱琢磨人生奥秘：我们从哪里来？死后去哪里？……

我四、五岁时有天晚上坐在小木盆里洗澡，洗着洗着就琢磨起来……想到不知自己从哪里来、死后去哪里，我感到非常害怕，坐在小木盆里就哭了起来。

上中学时地理老师在课堂上大声念课文“宇宙无限大—”，我迷惑的问：“无限大是多大？”老师冷冰冰的又念一遍：“宇宙无限大。”我睁大眼睛迷惑的问老师：“一个东西怎么可能无限大？它总得有个边啊？”全班同学都不说话，等着老师回答。可是老师看都没看我一眼，继续冷冰冰的大声读课文。

在生物课上我问老师：“人死后去哪里？”老师答：“变成灰。”我迷惑不已：既然最后都变成灰，为什么人还为名利苦苦争斗？我一直在心里琢磨这个问题，但从不敢问老师或任何人。

我读小学时，中国大陆的国门仍未打开，那时中共宣扬斗争哲学：“与天斗、与地斗、与人斗。”学校要我们每个学生都做一个木矛，叫“红缨枪”，时常要我们在舞台上挥舞着它大喊“杀！杀！杀！”活象一群小魔鬼。

我上初中时，中国大陆国门刚打开，这时中共开始宣扬对名利与权势的追逐，多年在中共统治下穷怕了的大陆民众很快陷入了对物质利益的追求。在家庭里，我的父母不停的教训我们姐妹：将来要考大学、干一番事业、有出息、为父母争光。在学校里，对分数、成绩排名、考上名牌大学的重视扼杀了对真理的追求、人性的关怀、与学生心灵健康的重视，每天上学对我来说就象恶梦，我的心在课堂上感到极其迷茫和压抑。

我从小学到高中一直成绩优秀，十七岁高考时我的分数足以上清华北大。父母喜上眉梢，旁边人羡慕不已，我却满腹茫然。

（待续）

(英文对照)

My sister and I had liked pondering over the mysteries of life since we were little: Where did we come from? Where would we go upon death? …

One night when I was four years old, while bathing inside a tiny wooden basin, I was lost in thought…thinking that I didn’t know where I came from and where I would go upon death, I felt so frightened I burst into tears sitting in the tiny wooden basin.

While I was in middle school, my geography teacher once read out the textbook in class, “The universe is boundlessly immense –” I questioned, “How immense is ‘boundlessly immense’, sir?” Teacher repeated icily, “The universe is boundlessly immense.” Wide-eyed, I asked in great puzzlement, “But how could an object be boundlessly immense, sir? It has to have bounds somehow, hasn’t it?” The entire class was quiet, anticipating an answer. But Teacher didn’t even look at me and continued chanting the textbook loudly and icily.

I once asked my biology teacher, “Where do people go upon death?” “Turn into ashes,” she replied. I felt extremely perplexed: Since we would all turn into ashes, why did people still vie and compete so hard for money, rank, and power? I kept reflecting on this question, but never dared ask any teacher or anyone.

While I was at elementary school, the gate of mainland China had not yet been opened; at that time, the CCP promoted the philosophy of fighting – “fight with heaven, fight with earth, fight with people.” At school, every pupil was forced to make a wooden spear (so-called Red Spear) and often wave it on stage, shouting loudly “Kill! Kill! Kill!” like young devils.

While I was at middle school, the gate of mainland China had just been opened; at that time, the CCP started promoting the pursuit of money, rank and power. The long poverty-stricken nation under its rule thus was swiftly plunged into going after material interests. At home, my parents kept lecturing my sister and me: You must go to college, have a successful profession and acquire wealth and rank in future, thereby bringing credit to your parents. At school, the pursuit of marks and going to well-known colleges had completely strangled the pursuit of truth, humanity, and the concern for students’ spiritual wellbeing. Attending school was like a nightmare for me. My heart felt extremely depressed and perplexed at school.

I got good marks from elementary school through to high school. At seventeen, I was admitted to one of the most well-known universities of mainland China. My parents were overjoyed; people around me were envious; but my heart was only imbued with puzzlement.

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